Usually we go into a relationship to get something out of it, for example, to receive love, acceptance, comforts, material goods, money or to escape our own loneliness. Contemplate on this deeply in all of your life's situations to see where these aspects are coming into play. Recognise that this is not true love, this is just a bargaining game - its the lower love of attachment or Sneha which we are just so accustomed to, that its normal for us to 'love' in this way. We have never been taught the way to love truly, unconditionally.
True love or Prema is where you go into a relationship to give love without any expectations of reward or failure. I repeat, giving love without any expectations of reward or failure. Everyone is always waiting for when they will receive love, but the key point to understand is: giving love is our privilege as a human being, and we all have the ability to choose to give love in all situations, and when we give love, the giving of love is in itself the fulfilment! This fulfilment is automatic as soon as we give love, so all we have to do is give love! Therefore, we all have the power of fulfillment at our finger tips! Just contemplate on this for a moment. If this is so, they who can hurt you or stop you or bring you down? Your love becomes an immortal love, a higher love, an everlasting love because the choice to give love is in your hands, in your control! So now time to go out there and give love without any expectations of reward or failure! If you have understood the above paragraph, your heart should start to beat with love because you have discovered that the source of love is YOU!
With this as our basis, now we move onto some more of the semantics of love. Giving love makes you irresistible, because today there is a famine of love, there is a recession of love and a credit crunch of love! There is such a demand for love, that wherever there is a supply, people will flock the whole world over to receive it. Giving love without expectations of reward or failure makes you completely irresistible as a human being, you will always be in demand so long as you can give love in this pure way of Prema! But when love is not pure, it just becomes a bargaining game, it become Sneha.
Let's take our relationship with God as an example. With God we also play a bargaining game, "God if you give me this, I'll do this for you", "Please grant me XYZ". This is love, but its a love which makes you dependant on God, you become a slave to God, when instead God wants us to become independent of everything including God. In this bargaining game, you want to get something out of the relationship, but you are not willing to sacrifice your own likes and dislikes so that you may serve God unconditionally in the way God wants. Seems a bit strange right, because surely God doesn't NEED your love? You're right, but if you love God truly, you'll stop playing a bargaining game and ask that may you continue to be at the feet of God and serve God in whatever way God wants. And what's the best way to serve God? Serve the creation of God, the people. That's pure love for God, Prema!
So when should you stop giving love in this pure way without expectations? Well, to answer this question let's look at the love of a Mother. Does a mother ever stop loving her child? No. Does a mother ever say "Right, I'm not going to make food for any of you today"? No, otherwise the family would go hungry. A mother doesn't even have to think about making food, she just makes it as a matter of-course because its part of her duty towards her family, to ensure they have a good well-being. That duty is ceaseless - it has no end - there is never any thought of not doing that duty. And this is the second biggest point to concentrate on: true love is where you only look at the well-being of your Beloved. So again, with the example of God, this means that we all have the ability to serve God ceaselessly because as devotees of God it is our duty to do so - the thought of not serving God should not even come into your mind for a moment if your love for God is true.
Another way to see where Sneha or Prema are in play is to look at the effect of love. If by loving a person your love becomes exclusive to that one person, then this is just attachment or Sneha. If by loving a person, you begin to love the many, the whole world, then this is true love or Prema. For example, relationships usually become quite emotional where one partner becomes extremely jealous if their partner is around other women or men, and as a result, just wants their partner to exclusively look at them and love them. This is attachment, Sneha. Prema is where there is a confidence, trust and truthfulness in a relationship, so much so that the love from this relationship expands and expands so that the love between two people begins to spread to other people and there is no jealously. The following excerpt of the poem Love For Each Other by Onkardeep Singh Khalsa portrays this well:
The love of two for each other moves the world,
It travels into the hearts of all uncurled.
Piercing all problems and conflicts, it rides the high bird unfurled,
Such is the power of love, of love.
Perfection exists in this state of bliss,
A time of stillness not to be missed.
Light in the dark, the heart carries you,
Little things in life left, the two so true.
The souls rejoice, they have united once more,
Two become one, the spiritual law.
The individual crawls through their journey,
But together do they grow, the Thou and me.
In joy, in sadness, in conflict, activity,
The comfort in silence a sure sign of clickery.
Create, take and sharing all things,
Realising the oneness, the angels sing.
Two become four and then still more,
Unity, love, self sufficiency universally core.
A utopia? Ideal? Perhaps nothing more,
But a worthwhile aim, love not war.
There is an adage that 'love is blind', however its only blind in attachment or Sneha, not in Prema. In Prema, love is all seeing. For example, sometimes in a Sneha relationship couples are blind to the negative tendencies of their lover including problems of anger management, problems in personal hygiene, problems in control etc. This blindness only occurs through attachment, because the person is only in a relationship to escape their own loneliness, and this utter selfishness makes them blind to the negative tendencies of their partner however severe these may be. However, in Prema, both partners are completely aware of each others' negative tendencies and not afraid to point them out whilst at the same time being all-accepting of their partner, because the underlying interest is in the well-being of their beloved, as mentioned earlier, therefore if one needs counselling or help with anger management, the other partner should pro-actively organise this if their truly care about their partner. In Sneha, there is a lack of response to do what really matters and waiting for things to happen, in Prema, there is a deep proactive response to action what needs to be actioned by making things happen!
Finally, sometimes people have been married for a very long time and yet seemingly have nothing in common. So what thinking is it that makes their relationship work? I leave you all with a beautiful quote from the retreat:
True love is not where you love someone because of something, it's where you love someone in spite of everythingWe have now discussed the main aspects of attached love of Sneha and selfless love of Prema. Please save a version of this article and come back to it regularly, each time you read it you will understand it in some more depth and in a new more relevant way. The table below should help to make the distinction between the lower love of attachment (Sneha) and the higher love of selflessness (Prema) clearer for you:
| The Lower Love of Attachment - Sneha | The Higher Love of Selflessness - Prema |
| Waiting to receive love | Actively giving love without expectation |
| Thinking that receiving love will fulfil you | Knowing that giving love is itself the fulfilment |
| Love for the one creates love exclusively for the one | Love for the one creates love for the many |
| You want things to remain separate | You want things to be united |
| Concerned with your own well-being | Concerned with the well-being of your beloved |
| Compromising with your beloved about your likes and dislikes | Sacrificing your own likes and dislikes to serve your beloved |
| Love is because of something | Love is in spite of everything |
| Love is blind | Love is all seeing and all accepting |
| A lack of response of 'now is the time to share' | A deep response of 'now is the time to share' |
| Waiting for things to happen | Making things happen |
| Living with fear | Living with courageous love |
| Involved with the future or the past | Involved with the present |
| Being dependant on somebody or something | Being independent of everybody and everything |
Sat Naam.
Your words are an inspiration... thank you - K
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